Flurb is glued to his phone right now: apparently the Gobbler version of Santa Claus had his Naughty and Nice list leaked???

Uhhh...just heard Flurb screaming from the other room and throwing things around. WTF is going on???

Ever since Flurb found out he's on Gobbler Santa's nice list, he's been acting pretty weird. He stayed up all last night typing "Flurb is a bad, bad boy" on an old typewriter over and over. I'm starting to miss when he was a sad sack.

I thought that Flurb was planning to play some kind of twisted prank on me to get back on the Naughty List. But so far today he's actually been super polite and friendly. In fact, he just now pulled out my chair for me at the dinner table. Should I sit?

Well 80% of you thought I should sit on the chair. So I did. And guess what - there was a tack on it. It really fucking hurt but I guess in the grand scheme of things it wasn't too bad. Especially when it comes to Flurb.

Last night I had the most transformative experience of my life. Thanks to Flurb spiking me psychedelic frog poison, I went to the ends of human consciousness and returned more enlightened. In his attempt to be naughty, he in fact, did something nice. Namaste, Flurb.

Hopefully you're all having a Happy Holiday season! Flurb got me presents for Gobbliday morning, but I shot them out the airlock. I wasn't falling for another one of his asshole pranks!

Lurching out of my post-Holiday daze. Flurb says they call it the "Goo Nog Fog" on the Gobbler Homeworld. How was everyone's holiday? Did Santa/Gobbliday Gary bring you everything you wanted?

WTF is with all these people thinking our tweets are scripted??? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you reply to us, do we not respond?

Today I'm thinking about my lovely wife Nedrina back on Earth. She blocked me on Twitter a while back because she thought I was an imposter. So I can't wait to see the look on her face when I show up on her doorstep. I'll be all like: "Who's fake now, huh? In your FACE!!!"

I've never looked better.

Anyone else sing TV theme songs in the shower? I usually do the Frasier theme but my version is "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Neds".

You know what I like about 2023 so far? There's been absolutely no bad news for me, whatsoever.

This weekend I found out that my lovely wife Nedrina is getting REMARRIED. (Thx for the news wandergagas) So I officially give up on life. I'm just gonna spend the rest of my days in space, chilling in my tighty whities and chugging Mountain Goo. Divorced Dad Mode activated.

Uhhh @MrSnabSnibbins, did you not hear me when I said we have to get to Earth in time to stop Nedrina’s wedding? Why are we landing at this fueling station?

Uhh, Flurb? WTF happened to the ship??? I just walked back to where we parked and it's GONE. And why is there a note in it’s place that says “Nya nya”? What does that mean????