It is my one hope that social media will allow people to realize that they're not alone, that everyone is broken.

Your tweets are so awesome, I don't know whether to follow you or spoon you.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

Just remember, if you can't tweet something nice, at least make it funny or sarcastic.

Not to brag guys but, I got so much procrastinating done today.

My trail mix is Xanax, Viagra, Porn and Twitter.

Don't be sad dirty dishes, nobody's doing me either.

I'm trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

That awkward moment when you realize there is no awkward moment, but rather, you're just awkward.

When my girlfriend is really mad at me, I put a cape on her and tell her, there, now you're super mad.

No Grandma, poontang is not Kool-Aid.

You know what I like about you the most....your dog.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don't say a word. Thanks.

I told you so, you idiot. - Your intuition.

Whenever someone approaches my work desk, I scowl "Got the wrong guy, pal" just like Rick Deckard did at the noodle bar.

Let me spread this knob butter on your glistening yams. - Slightly skew-whiff root vegetable sext.

"We've been together for 4 years now and it's time to take the next step on our journey!" *jumps in front of the 8.53 to Aberdeen*

Of course I'm depressed. It's the holiday season but I know I'm not alone under the flaming x-mas tree. Yay *hides lighter in glitter sock

If you look in the dictionary for the definition of stupidity, you will find a picture of Hannes Löttering.