I know several people who wouldn’t hurt a fly but would do something terrible to another human being

Insurance commercials: free yourself of the burden of being funny. That is not your job. Not everyone can be everything. Take a break ❤️

I can’t believe your pee tells people if you’ve done drugs and if you’re pregnant. Snitch

You guys Kim actually couldn’t go to the met gala- it’s me in that mask!!! She’s gonna be so mad I’m posting this lol

I hope I live to see a Jewish Pope

Is your favorite song Ultimate from Freaky Friday or are you a liar

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would be like can we do lunch instead I usually go to bed early haha

If you break up with Michael B Jordan you should be put in a conservatorship

Someone should make a show set in New York City

If I was newton I’d be like can u guys please stop talking about that time an apple fell on me….

Do you think bears started liking honey before or after they made the bottles look like them

Hard for me to imagine there’s a company that doesn’t have my email

Margot Robbie save some teeth for the rest of us

Googling how to ghost someone who asked you to leave them alone

I dont want to have kids. Not ready for a dog. Considering a living document

When the Uber driver accepts another ride before yours is over … it’s kinda like did this not even mean anything

When a name is bleeped out in a documentary it’s like omg I can’t believe that guys name is fuck

The comedic timing masterclass that is Amanda Bynes in She’s the Man is not oft enough referenced in film discourse