Wife: *writhing in constipation pain* "I wish my life were like Wheel of Fortune" Me: "Why?" Wife: "So I could buy a bowel."

Wife: *while snowshoeing* "I feel like Winter-Jesus!"

Wife: you didn't leave me enough space! Me: well you don't take much space. Wife: don't distract me with flattery, move.

Wife: Come over here, lemon butt. Me: What? Why? Wife: Because I wanna squeeze it and check whether it's ripe.

Me: Look babe! There's a manatee in the water. Wife: Cool! We should name it Hugh. Me: Why? Wife: So I can say "Oh the humanity!"

Wife: Would you like an orange tic-tac? Me: No thank you. Wife: Orange you glad I offered?

Friend to me over voice text: Cool, keep me posted. Wife (after overhearing friend): Does he want first class postage? Sean Meenan

Wife: omg. That soup was super. Soup-er. Get it?

Me: *After hugging the wife* oh my god you smell good. Wife: you're talking to the sausage that's cooking, aren't you? Me: ... Yeah

Wife: there's some chocolate on my side of the bed. Me: what's it doing there? Wife: waiting.

Me: hey love, I drew you bubble bath. Wife: thanks babe! Did you use a pencil? Me: ---

While doing taxes... Me: Babe, how many courses did you take? Enough to count as part time? Wife: Is there an option for hammer-time?

Wife, on Easter Sunday: Babe, am I your favorite chick?