It’s my birthday today as well. If you’re bed bound on your birthday you get another one. Work have accepted this and got me a card

Stop doing 3D baby scans. Your baby look like lasagne

I hand on heart believe if you don’t get on with a colleague, every 6 months you should be allowed to fight them in the car park

My life goal is to recognise someone off a photofit

The best part of my day today was when I ate a bit of pork pie

Just put a USB in my computer the right way round first try and I let out a little sex noise in the office

Once every couple months imma have a cabinet reshuffle and throw out friends that aren’t pulling their weight

You’d have to be a psychopath to see a conga line and not join it

People who wait to cross the road 20 feet away from a zebra crossings need to be shot point blank in the front of their face

Love when someone with a stupid handle is trying to get a refund off a company or some shit. You see like Jet2 responding ‘sorry to hear that Ginger Slut, can you give us your reference number so we can look into this’. Love that.

Watching a squirrel feed 5 magpies out of a bin

Haven’t uploaded a photo of Pig in a while. So here she is looking super scary with her teddy. Maaaan sooo scary with her pink teddy called Frig.

Anyone else absolutely repulsed by ASMR or am I an alien? Someone whispering into a mic and tapping stuff makes my lady-balls go up inside my body

Rihanna winks a lot for someone who can’t wink. I’d be avoiding it at all cost if I hadn’t mastered it.

Every detective show ever: he seems troubled and oopsie he’s an alcoholic!

New dress and also we’re in love.

At The 1975 gig, -one person is watching a Bollywood film and another guy is checking the football scores

lmao Tate out here calling people mid when he looks like this

Why’re you glamorising mental illness? Incredibly insensitive to people who actually live it. ‘Psych Ward Aesthetic’?! Are you kidding..? Fuck you and your shiny boots.

Both happiness and sadness are very infectious, that’s why you have to be selective about the people you surround yourself with