this is the single greatest day of my 19 years of living

when I (47) am hanging out with my friend group (7th graders) and one of us says 67 #PeterPanNeverLeft

Put 808s on my parents arguing through the wall and that shit went triple platinum on limewire call me the GenZ Eminem

Burger King said they were out of SpongeBob meals so I Kevin Mcallistered a series of booby traps in the restaurant. killin corrupt fast food monarchs call this a veggicide

my uncle accidentally sent me five dollars on Apple Pay and face timed me crying begging for it back or he would drive off a bridge with his kids in the car. #ISaidNo

I’m like Walter Mitty but instead of delusions of grandeur and adventure I imagine myself eating at in n out #animalstyle

What if Fred died in Korea #TheFredgottenWar

when it’s 1976 and I’m at the local turkeys disco and my hb is genuinely overdosing on mushrooms and salvia but they put on that new disco inferno so I have to show those foxy mamas and suckas why god gave me two legs and a pair of hips

put my Homer Simpson impression on my hinge profile and my 6th grade math teacher responded with a picture of a dead cow

#showerthoughts it’s shampoo time

Hey google how do I make my 6th grade math teacher stop sending me pictures of reverse mermaids

I went to hooters and I was very disappointed in the lack of screaming

My 6th grade math teacher just sent me a voice note of him whispering the keypad pin to the Oval Office like he’s Cyrano de Bergerac

when jimmy buffett wrote cheeseburger in paradise do you think he knew how much it would effect me

Hey grok can you send a letter to Rick Moranis and tell him I’m a big fan of his work

Cyrano De Bergerac? Wasn’t that guy on on AFV #IAteMyDad

My hungry ass could NOT watch AFV

Did you know the movie castaway was entirely improv? Google porn to found out more

Why is tom de Bergerac whispering americas funniest home details into my ear