Alistair Green understood the assignment 🔥 #MetGala

Just went to the toilet and my glasses fell in so now I’m cleaning piss off them in the sink. Have a great Sunday 👍

‘I look forward to spending my days in what remains of this green and pleasant land..’ 🪶 🎭

The next person that gets on my nerves I’m going to write a ‘diss track’ about them. Don’t want a diss track written about you? Then don’t get on my flippin wick you big idiot 👊

Hollywood should go back to making more buddy cop films where the title is just their two names like in Tango & Cash. There were loads of others too but I’ve forgotten them now. I want to say turner and hooch but one of them was a dog. Ok cheers everyone have a good night 👍

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In less than three minutes he can build a character more toe-curlingly believable than lots of films manage in an hour and a half. Art.

man in cafe who wants everyone to know he’s a singer-songwriter

I’ve never enjoyed any restaurant meal as much as a basic curry house.

Tried to tell a joke on threads again 🙃

Ran the London marathon this morning. 22 minutes and 3 seconds. Not my best time and certainly would have liked to do better but not going to beat myself over it. Still a huge achievement and I can hold my head high. Cheers. 👍🏆

The moon will only play silly buggers and block out the sun if it knows it has an audience. And you daft so and so’s are playing right in to its hands. Starve it of the attention it craves and it will soon get bored and go back to its rightful place.