Maybe I would like being British. I like baked beans. Would be cool to eat beans for breakfast and not have it be weird.

Really grateful for this whole “hot girls all have IBS” movement bc now when I’m glued to the pot, I can feel myself glowing.

Look. I’m at an age where I’d like to dabble in the Cheesecake Factory menu.

Oh why not. I guess I’ll treat myself to one more half hour of anxiety filled off and on sleep.

Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song bit.ly/3h3EUC5

Hear me out: the steering wheel should be in the middle.

Please vote.

Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study bit.ly/3YTGmZc

Lonely? Just look over at your cat. He’s licking his butthole. There’s a bug in your wine. The world is at peace.

I think people should be encouraged more to clap during funerals.

Starting to think stonehenge was just a silly ol art installation! Now THAT makes sense to me, finally. I love art.

Hey hey! Ho ho! Those long goatees have got to go!

Whoa! Did I ~invent~ girl dinner???

Something I like that boys do? When they play-fight in front of you to show how big and strong they are like dog-people.

Buzzfeed quizzes are like, “what kind of STD are you? Choose a crucifix in every color to find out!”. Tell me tell me!

Grateful for my Christmas subway gift card. Gonna ring in the new year with an Italian BMT and no other hopes or dreams!

Has anybody written a book like “everybody poops” but instead of”everybody dies” for kids? That seems more important.

You ever want to fall asleep but you can’t because you can’t stop thinking about eating crab?

Man I sure hope nobody ever jams anything really hard into my ear. Ouch, amirite???

She’s So High is so incel