The 10th circle of Hell has to be fourty 6 year olds learning to Irish step dance in tap shoes.

If I give you a cookie will you PLEASE go the fuck to sleep? - Me at peak desperation

Me: Go to bed 6: i cant im thirsty Can I have some juice? Me: no we don't have any 6: yes we do! I saw it! I'll I'll get it! Me: Well shit. Should've went with the bedtime reason

The best snack is the one you secretly bought for your kid with the intention of rewarding good behavior and your there looking at it like you know what I WAS good today I totally deserve a reward and it's SO good

A collegue : wow! You've lost so much weight in the last month! What's your secret? Me: crippling anxiety to the point where I can't keep anything down. Collegue: maybe I'll just join the gym...

Me: Hi baby how was your day? 4: Mommy you have a ball tummy Me: Ummmm ok. Bye.

If I have multiple questions about how to use power tools safely I should probably wait before I give this a try eh?

Me: time to go to bed 4: can I have 5 more minutes? Me: 2 4: 1 Me: OK you win. 1 it is I am nailing this parenting shit

Why is Blink 182 all of a sudden EVERYWHERE???

"Let's have a challenge" Name 4 more terrifying words to be said in the presence of a parent

Oh I feel this so hard

Been with my kid all day and NOW at bedtime she suddenly NEEDS to know why some people have mommies and some people don't.

Pretty sure I'd be an awesome hostage negotiator based on how bedtime goes with my 6 year old

Revenge is petty Total destruction is the way to go

Me: if you give mommy 20 minutes of along time you can play with anything anything you want 6: ANYTHING? Me: anything 6: pulls out recorder Me: sweet fucking hell its not worth it

The fact that giving myself a pep talk about not being wierd on this phone call pretty much means I'm gonna be wierd on this phone call

So last year me was a twatwaffle who left the ribbon on the tree in what was I'm sure a misguided attempt to help future me. It failed. Miserably.

You know when my kids aren't actively trying to murder each other their quite sweet together

Being a sick single parent is the worst Everything 4 finally nods off I sneeze or cough and wake him up