A good bit for an actor I think would be to pretend not to know what a movie is during interviews, just acting like you can’t understand why all this stuff keeps happening to you and you’re scared. You would have to keep it up forever though.

Do you like my Fleetwood Mac trading card

The thing is a lot of problems actually DO go away if you ignore them long enough but the catch is it’s impossible to predict which ones.

INT. DAY. JERRY SEINFELDS APARTMENT

KRAMER [bursting through the door]
Jerry! Ya gotta do something about this smell, it’s coming through the walls!

[Jerry doesn’t answer, he has been dead approx. 2 weeks and has begun to to putrefy]

???

If I was working at a blood drive I would make sure to compliment people on their blood like maybe on the color or viscosity or like “Wow you’ve got a really impressive amount of blood!” That kind of thing.

Cornholio: need TP for my bunghole

Cornholio’s Therapist: Now, do you NEED TP for your bunghole, or do you WANT TP for your bunghole

Cornholio: I don’t know anymore

My mom has a habit of saying “I’m sorry,but” like she’s going to say something controversial except puts it in front of the most benign comments like I have a video of my daughter learning to crawl and you can distinctly hear my mom say “I’m sorry but that’s crawling”

INT. CAFETERIA -DAY

POPULAR GIRL: that table in the back corner is for the nose pickers, then youve got you metal heads, your jocks, your burnouts, and over there are the guzmen

NEW GIRL: sorry the what?

POPULAR GIRL: Guzmen? Fans of veteran character actor Luis Guzmán?

my fiance: please don't drink before the wedding. i know it's normal but whenever you drink you do your foghorn leghorn impression

me: i promise

reading my vows: Now, I say, I do declare, with a feather in my cap: I say, I'll be by your side, like a rooster crows in the morning

we have been suffering from a severe societal shortage of guys putting the lime in the coconut and drinking it all up

Boy, now I say boy, another one of them aeroplanes done hit that big city World Trade Center

I think it would be really funny if people other than babies got switched at the hospital like after your liver transplant you go home to the wrong wife and kids

why is nobody talking about this????

They are always telling me “get out from behind the counter” and “we are going to call the police”

My husband turned to me in astonishment at the check out at the grocery store and said “I just realized. Anne Hathaway is beautiful.”