It's the first day of September. You may now start with your "Wake me up when September ends" tweets.

SON: So, Mom, you got married Friday, September 13th? ME: Yep. SON: And I was born May 13th. ME: Right. SON: But that’s only 8 months apart. ME: Is it?

I had to set an alarm for 10 a.m. Lazy Achievement Level unlocked.

Moments in the September sun Watching the waves gently roll, Always unforgettable, These are the days that I tuck into my soul

*adjusts bow tie “It’s a nimbostratus cloud, actually”

Eating bow tie pasta makes me feel snazzy and I like it.

The only thing formal about me is my box of bowtie pasta.

Eating crackers in bed, fuck the police

FYI you can buy Peeps marshmallows year round if you need to bite something’s head off.

sorry I wasn’t listening it was giving me encephalitis

next year for a treat I’ll take one spring two falls and a winter

a hospital cafeteria will put out enough green beans to serve 500 people and just enough mac n cheese to serve a family of four— the law of supply and demand be damned

I’m hyperfocusing. It’s how I cope

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

It’s weird to think there are people in this world maybe even living on my street that have never worn bowling shoes

let’s turn our driveway into a bowling alley—let the neighbor’s cat think what he wants

A lazy morning people watching, enjoying the refreshing breeze, and keeping an eye on the clouds as they sail by.

You should see the look of disappointment on 3's face when she just learned cotton balls are NOT marshmallows

57° in the spring: It's warm enough for just a t-shirt out 57° in the fall: Holy shit it's cold where's my hoodie

Don't forget! It's time to tie dead corn to your house.