Been a while since I wrote anything funny, will try harder (on Twitter not onstage)

When someone dumps you to date someone worse than you, that’s Indiana jonesing. You got replaced by a bag of sand.

Can you wish upon a nose hair?

Happy barbenheimer day

The Barbie film really made me wanna call my mum. I won’t tho.

My low self esteem has a lot of men to answer for

I now communicate exclusively via the use of Barbie the movie gifs

Vapes are handy to get the waiters attention when you’re being ignored. They run straight over.

One I used to get knee bruises from punk gigs, adrenaline rushes, or other *activities* Now I just get them when toilet cubicles are built too small for me to avoid shutting my knee in the door.

This is the final day of Millie Dollar Beauty being open to shop as usual! If you need bio glitter, lashes, or glue, this is your final chance! milliedollarbeauty.com

Fringe update! I’m growing it out.

Team vaping at night so the little light startles any intruders

Rebranding my depression as a hoedown. This hoe down.

Off to wales so I can have my breakdown somewhere more scenic ⛰️

I’m visiting my mum in wales, she keeps asking for me to tell her some of my stage jokes. Someone help.

The weirdest thing just happened. I called my gp just now, and they gave me an appointment for in three hours time?! Madness.

Alright, own up, who’s been asking for a vegan peperami, cos it wasn’t me

Just saw a dog wearing a pink jumper that said in rhinestones “I’m too sexy” and now I have many questions I don’t think I want the answer to.