Thanks to autocorrect, I just searched twitter for “biggest shart,” and laughed for five minutes straight when an image of you-know-who came up.

I can never remember if it’s brush first or floss first. And I do both every day. Still, I couldn’t tell you what I did yesterday. I’m like a goldfish. With good oral health habits. Tomorrow, somebody remind me that I flossed first today. Thanks.

ME: Why can’t we all just be nice to one another? ALSO ME, WHEN A BMW BLOWS PAST ME ON THE HIGHWAY:

What my homemade cauliflower pizza crust may lack in taste, it more than makes up for in shockingly offensive aftertaste.

Just heard someone proudly proclaim that he lives “bicuriously” through his kids, and I didn’t say a peep. Who am I to steal the joy from other listeners.

Stadiums all over America have switched to a no-cash policy. They claim it’s for the convenience of the fans. But we all know the real reason.

Canada airlifting aid to civilians in a war zone. They haven’t looked this good playing the role of America since Brokeback Mountain.

On the bright side, if it turns out there’s some sort of horrible side effect to Ozempic and the like, at least the zombies will be of a healthy weight.

It’s humbling enough when no one sees or responds to your tweets, but showing my poll results? Now you’re just piling on.

Come on, Hulu. Imagine a better companion show for Ken Olin’s This is Us than #Thirtysomething. Plus, what else do we who love the show have better to do these days than sit and watch? (And support the hell out of your advertisers.)

AI BASKETBALL PARENT 1: What number is your kid? AI BASKETBALL PARENT 2: I have no idea.

The English language is so wonderfully complex. For instance, take the name “Jesus.” Pronounce it one way and republicans love it. Pronounce it another way, and they want to drag it out of their country and throw it in a cage.

Trying to think who Musetti reminds me of, and then it hit me. #USOpen #USOpen2025 #LilSweet

Is Anisimova’s first name Carvana? 🙄 #USOpen

I would have won #Jeopardy tonight. And would’ve been the only one to get the Final question. C’mon, people!!! T.S. ??? Read a goddamn book.

The plastic rain ponchos sure are a badass addition to your Raiders cosplay. 🙄 #Patriots #Raiders

Pete Carroll murdering his fourth stick of gum this half. #LVvsNE