Seeing a lot of Christmas trees just strewn about the streets of Brooklyn and it’s like if you can’t take fucking care of a pet don’t “rescue” one

Not a lotta guys my age ordering the off-menu ossobuco at Monte’s Trattoria. Not a lotta young guys with juice like that, I’m sorry.

The Whale innocent!

This morning I had a piece of fucking rye toast, humble fucking rye, that was so good, so explosively good I don’t know what to do. I’m obviously still thinking about it. Do I call someone? Would they be able to relate? Do I devote my life to bread now? Am I better or worse now?

Squeezing lemon on calamari is peak Timlin

If you’ve got the biggest fucking umbrella I’ve ever seen go play Mary Poppins don’t look at me crazy if I physically cannot avoid hitting that turtle shell Michael Angelo I mean what are the rules? Are there no rules????

Coach: Nothing in the rule book says a dog can’t play Air Bud: Woof-woof Me (on the bench): For sure

Hmm another day where I can’t decide if I should skewer the status quo or lampoon our leaders hmm

Nobody tells you that half of life is just smiling and pretending the stupidest shit you’ve ever heard is funny

Eczema rules because not only do I love to be in physical pain I also like to worry about looking fucked up

One thing about me dude, and this is not, I’m not trying to even say anything, but I fucking love grabbing a bagel real quick fr.

If you’re at the airport dressed and packed like you’re going on a tactical mission you should actually have to go on one. You got the canteen and the camo good luck out there, I say.

In another life I could’ve been a circus legend

I said “haha for sure” 147 times today.

Hi! Pleased 2 say that “The Rainbow Wheel of Death” is now streaming everywhere and available for purchase via Wharf Cat Records: wharfcat.lnk.to/the-rainbow-wh… thank you for listening :)

Driving in and out of the city is fun cuz I actually love quietly ruminating on a death by twisted steel.

Just wanted to say that it’s fucked up, if you think about it, how grass is basically the earth’s facial hair.

Wow, Twitter… welp! I was on Sex Ed Shouldn’t Suck talking about learning the words “mons pubis” and not much else in public school. It’s a great pod from great folks and I had a blast 🤗 open.spotify.com/episode/61gpbL…