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Ode to Robert Jenrick: They seek him here, They seek him there. Those far right Tories seek him everywhere. Is he in on The Northern Line or is he in hell? That damned London Transport Pimpernel! 🦸‍♂️

Just been chatting to my old pal Robert Jenrick. I’m beginning to believe that the recent publicity might have gone to his head a little bit…🤔

Yesterday morning I came across this rather shabby strange man in a lift. He kept babbling away about fat people and Victorian lifts. It was, to put it mildly, rather sad. Does anyone know who this poor chap is? He probably just needs a nice cup of tea and someone to talk to.😔

Jill in the shop, my wife Bunty & my good self have become our village’s DOGE unit. So far we have cut out: Tourists from Leeds Men in trackies All forms of jegging Cyclists Vegans Simple Sally’s job in the village shop Role play Shabba Ranks Crocs Country music Lynx deodorants.

Here’s some exclusive film from yesterday as the head of Reform’s DOGE unit met employees from Kent County Council…😬

Just look! As Keir Starmer cosies up to the EU, British citizens are being treated like dirt by foreigners. Whilst on holidays poor Susan Edwards was discriminated against & humiliated due to CULINARY BULLYING. This would never have happened in Boris’s day. SORT IT OUT STARMER!😡

If Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s baby had been born in Britain: 🇬🇧

Elon Musk & Donald Trump’s bitter feud. It reminds me of when Paul McCartney split with John Lennon & left the Bay City Rollers. When Judas broke up with Jesus When Pliers left Chaka Demus We need Elon & Trump to get back together again. They are our last hope for world peace. 😔

As I’m buying my beef, Len our village butcher accosts me. He’s been to a Reform meeting last night. Afterwards they apparently went to a pub & had a drink. ‘Us Reform lads & lasses know how to let our hair down’ Len garbles as he shows me the evidence: 😧

As well as Tommy Robinson here are others who have been thrown out of Hawksmoor: Fred & Rose West Dawn French People living in cul de sacs Fish from Marillion Ange DOGE Middle class women of a certain age ‘Lozenge’ Fox Moths The anti growth coalition Night Said Ted Dildo Harding.

I see GB News is now using pantomime dame Christopher Biggins as a political analyst.😳 What next? Ant & Dec to debate banning the burqa? Bradley Walsh to solve the Gaza crisis? Alison Hammond to analyse Rachel Reeves’ spending review? Katie Price to discuss NHS funding? 🥺

This makes me SICK to the core! 🤬 How bloody dare he… This blatant promotion of millefeuille by a smug so called socialist whilst ordinary people have lost their sausages to the EU is DESPICABLE . No wonder this country is falling apart. 😡

Bunty & I are off on a short break to a luxury hotel & spa for a few days. Bunty is hoping to get a good rolfing & get her mounds cupped. She’s also booked an Indian flap massage. I’m just looking forward to a good old phalange rub & a happy ending. See you back here on Sunday!😊

America This is your king: Ripe teats Soiled crevices And leaking pipe work. Loose unfolded conkers stroke his pale knees. A large amalgam of porridge & custard sloshes inside his chive scented underpants. He gurgles. America He is your Dad. Feel proud. Happy Father’s Day! 🇺🇸

A violent predator attacks a pretty young girl all in the name of charity. Millionaire boxers & soap stars swear & shout at us to give money. Then a football match featuring huge egos & has been footballers. Does anyone actually enjoy this #SoccerAid guff?

Lee Anderson MP Have you got a proper job then Mr Anderson? 😚

Here are ABBA (Annie,Bernard,Brian & Anita). My wife Bunty put on one of their records last night, ‘Chickeneater.’ As we danced I thought those were the days: No vapes No internet Everyone was a virgin No swearing No trainer socks Lots of Bovril. And you know what? We were happy.

Lee Anderson MP Lee How dare Bill insult you & sniggle at you. Beneath your gruff bluster Lee you are a caring man. A man who adores lavender & romantic fiction. Bill looks hard & mean. The sort of man who has an odorous scrotum & large toenails. Ignore him Lee & go back to your Jilly Coopers.❤️