Not sure of the calculable odds on this statement but…

Every time I use any toilet in the house there’s like one piece of paper left on the roll, and no backup rolls. So I restock and reload only to find that the next time I use a toilet it’s Groundhog Day all over again.

Looking through old vinyls while antique shopping…presenting proof that Carey Mulligan is a vampire and has been undead since at least the early 1950’s and if you never hear from me again it’s because she saw this post and somehow got to me

Oh this old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care how I look

Read the directions, and directly you should be directed in the right direction.

Percentages are reversible. 8% of 25 is the same as 25% of 8 and one of them is much easier to do in your head.

If you're naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural

…if the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban

…if the neighbors ignore you, it's urban

If you're naked on the front porch and your neighbor is also naked, it's Florida.

One day, if you end up in a dark place, you can decide if it’s a burial or a planting.

favorite love song lyrics?

I’ll go first:

You are the sun I am the moon you are the words I am the tune play me

Neil Diamond is the G.O.A.T.

Hear me out, Lord of the Rings and The Hangover are basically the same movie

One of my favorite Ryan Gosling movies, Lars And The Real Girl, is a beautiful movie portraying family, friends & community who unequivocally support, and make efforts to relate to, a person who may be different, but who harms absolutely nobody with their uniqueness.❤️ Watch it!

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two-tired.

If we had 13 months instead of 12, every month would be exactly 28 days, the first would always be a Monday and the last would always be a Sunday.

We almost had it right, y’all. We almost had it.

Morning! What’s new?

*also…Freemasons and International Order of Recorders??? C’mon!!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Permanently deactivating my account.

Twitter is my only source of social media so I’m basically going off the grid.

Be well folks, live good lives.

This is all due to my previous tweet. The Freemasons and the International Order of Recorders are more powerful than I imagined.

Why is there a mass conspiracy playing out over generations of Americans whereby we all have to learn to play the Recorder as kids and then grow up only to never hear from that instrument ever again, in any song or movie. Like ever.

Like why is it we MUST LEARN THE RECORDER???

Tip-tweet-of-the-day:

Keep the floor around your washer/dryer 100% clean at all times

Inevitably one lone sock or some rogue underwear will drop to the floor while unloading and it makes me sooo 😡 like why does
it always happen

Life is a water spout, sometimes there’s flooding rain, other times the sun comes out. But I will always be the itsy-bitsy-spider going up the spout again.

Mammals. So many on this big planet. Cows. Dogs. Cats. Horses. Tigers. Whales. Humans. Deer. Dolphins. Bears. Elephants. The list goes on.

Bet you’ll never guess which species makes up 20% of all mammals on earth.

Bats.

Better run for cover cuz they comin’ for us

One horse produces 15 horsepower.

One human produces 1 horsepower.

Weirdos.

Left my uncle a voicemail asking his advice on best outdoor caulk to use on a particular wood trim. Here’s his response: