Occupied a Prada store for 45 minutes today. They had a 1% off sale. Genius. Boom.

INTERN. ON THE TO-DO LIST. UPGRADE THIS VERSION OF WordPerfect.

The $600k I just paid to ride Rick Perry around like a bucking bronco for 48 seconds was completely worth it. #GOP2012 #Fundraising

What, that? Oh, it's just a little move I like to call the SWOOPING DOUCHEBAG.

What do you mean you don't sell Turducken in this 7-Eleven? THIS IS NOT THE AMERICA I WANT TO LIVE IN.

Mmm bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, Ba du dop GAAHHHH THIS IS THE BEST ROLLERBLADING SONG EVER!!

Banging a Victoria's Secret model in my tanning bed. #multitasking

Just bought a stockpile of slightly expired morning after pills from the Chinese. You can never be too safe.

Just one of those days where I don't even feel like riding my snow leapord around with this cape on holding this trophy any more.

INTERN YOU HAVE 7 MINUTES TO FILL THIS HOT TUB WITH GOJI BERRIES AND STRIPPERS. MOVE.

You know, you buy a rhino and THEN you have to pay for all theses shots and a special saddle and uuugh it just adds up.

Just inked a $2mil deal with North Korean Intelligence to direct Kim Jong Un's e-Harmony profile.

I learned an important lesson today: You can deep fry anything but love.

Focus grouping my legacy.

Gaahhhh somebody call my phone I don't know what pocket of these cargo pants it's in.

YEAH LET'S GET SOME MARGS AND DO THIS CINCO DE MAYO RIGHT...What? No, cinco means 21st dillweed. Stop arguing and get me a margarita.

Whoa, sorry, I had NO idea that pomeranians were that flammable.

Intern, pour 6 more bottles of 92 Dom Perignon on the Sauna coals. This hangover isn't going to cure itself.

Whoa, sorry guys. Been sitting around in my boxers, drinking Bartles & Jaymes, lighting Black Cats since August. Did Romney win?

Hey Will Smith how are you going to get an Oscar if you're not even IN THE SEQUEL TO INDEPENDENCE DAY.