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Today in 1983, you put a five dollar bill in this sweet bastard and then strutted over to Donkey Kong like you owned the goddamn arcade.

Well, we put Katy Perry in space. There’s nothing left to accomplish as a nation

We can put Katy Perry in space, but we can’t make a smoke detector battery that doesn’t chirp at 2am

We are living in the dumbest timeline. Someone please go into the back of an old Spencer Gifts and hit reset

One year you stopped having piñatas at your birthday parties which is crazy because as an adult it seems far more necessary to pummel something at least once a year

Officially sick of everything there is to eat for dinner. There are no more dinners left.

My wife just walked up to me and gave me an unexpected impassioned, full body kiss, then stared me straight in the eye - a deep soul to soul stare - and said, "I just hit a possum with the lawnmower."

Name a bigger lie. I'll wait.

DMV: Did you bring your fourth grade report card?

“American Pope” sounds like the name of an Amazon prime original series you ignore

doing stuff after work and not just on the weekends is how you can feel life is worth living.

It was weird going to college before smartphones. One time while out at a bar none of us could remember the name of Fleetwood Mac’s drummer so I called my dad at 2am.

You stop moving your mouse for 5 seconds and Microsoft Teams will say you never showed up for work

i lied there’s no sex but there is a spider situation i need you to take care of

[guy naming weeds] this one looks like a lion, but dandier

I see a lot of people out walking or working out in a weighted vest. Is the weight of the world not enough for you?

Remember when the schtick of streaming services was that you didn’t get commercials? What a bait and switch that was.

The song of the summer is the "Nothing is everything" jingle from the Skyrizi Crohn’s disease pharmaceutical commercial