This song is making me thirsty

My heart's in the right place. My mouth full of the wrong words.

My kid said he wasn't hungry when I offered him the ravioli I made. then he immediately ate 2 bags of pokemon pirate booty. What's the truth?

feels like I'm starting to fly too close to the sun

Keeping it in my pants with this EA news

dystopian YA novel about a near-future where the only remaining newspapers are high school newspapers. Silly tweet or actually good idea??

🎶 if I'd only seen that the joke was on me... 🎶

This is how they talk about me

I'll be watching Planet of the Apes (1968) tonight. In her honor.

when wrangling my toddler, "do you wanna walk or you want daddy to carry you?" is so absurdly powerful. A magic spell and I'm a wizard

It's fun that we've made something so mundane (existing) into something special. It's a shame not everyone feels that way.

cholera her daddy

assigned Bad To The Bone at birth b-b-b-b-bad

Who wants to be blocked? I've never done it and I'd like to dip my toe in the water

I dedicate this fart to you

I'm internet famous on the Citizen app

Have you heard the good news? (Stacy's mom has got it going on)

Listen, google. Nothing about my current circumstances call for a "best" practice

She cataloged my books until I deweyed on her decimal