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If you ever find yourself being all “you” in a conversation just ask yourself, what would a normal person say here?

Everything costs $100 and every food has 1100 calories

“Where the hell is my continue watching tab!” I yell at literally all the streaming services.

The nightmares where I can't remember my locker combination have been replaced by nightmares where I can't find the correct components to charge my phone.

Worker at this coffee shop's name is Archieval which is probably pronounced Arch-ee-vol but I read it as Arch-evil.

Doing my taxes is like having sex. I have no idea what I'm doing and in 9 months my life will probably be ruined.

People who don’t mind being in the way astonish me.

Always Love to see what middle aged people will Capitalize on facebook. You absolutely never Know which words Are worthy of capitalization.

Why does all this money need laundered

Sometimes you need to have a panic attack. Go ahead and have one, it's okay.

My wife’s out of town this weekend which means our house has never had so few lights on before

We are barreling towards a future where no one trusts what’s on the internet and everyone stops using it and I can’t wait.

One of my bills is due on the last day of every month and that annoys me every month

People who can see my computer screen: I promise I'm not googling diarrhea because I have diarrhea it's because I can't spell diarrhea.

more like augusty national

Why is venue a word. Just a fancy word for place.

Does anyone know why some people say vulvo instead of Volvo

Everyone wants to burn the clothes they are wearing after an international flight right?

In my day there were four children and only one Easter egg to find and inside that Easter egg was a list of chores to do.