Pizza Hut buffet could heal me.

I cannot watch The Bear because I was married to a professional chef for a decade and I’ve never met a group of people who take themselves more seriously than high end chefs. Just go plate the rib eye and flirt with the hostess. It’s not heart surgery.

There’s a child throwing her mom’s iPhone around in this dentist’s waiting room, and it’s wild to me that her and I pay the same price for Apple Care.

What’s my level of social anxiety? I didn’t wear the brace I need to wear for my fractured hand to the dentist because I didn’t want them to ask about it.

I’m new to dieting. Half a protein bar and 2 Oreos is the proper post-workout snack, right?

To the guy I went to highschool with that forbid your wife from owning toys; she sexts me, a lot. Major fumble, bro.

Just found out my mom was in highschool when my dad met her… they’re 6 years apart 😲

I love being called a 'performative male' by dudes that don't eat pussy.

If your boyfriend’s favourite horror movie is Terrifier, run.

I would never judge another dude’s gym progress. We all develop at our own pace… UNLESS I have a crush on your girlfriend, then you’re a weakling.

Now do the 500,000 celebrities with cis kids…

My brother: “You know that guy on Tik Tok that talks about movies? He’s like a nerdy white guy.” Me: “You’re going to have to be way more specific…”

Finding out my brother, who recently moved back home, doesn’t pay rent because he ‘does chores’ is all I needed to hear to ensure I don’t lift a finger while I’m home for Christmas.

If anyone needs the bathroom code for the Bovaird and Main Indigo Starbucks, it’s 1224#

If you continued to take gym after grade 9 when you were forced to, you peaked in highschool.

What does a pretentious goth yell when they cut down a tree? TIIIIIIMMMMBUUUURTON.

Parents: “kids these days are always on their phones” My mom: *plays a video on her phone at full volume while we’re watching a show*

I microdosed some mushrooms this afternoon and got so much accomplished. Cleaned every surface, did laundry, trimmed my bush, took all the garbage and recycling out, and went to the gym!

Hey Mr Peanut, I just bought your snack mix from Dollarama and it’s like 90% pretzels and popcorn. Pretty sure there are 3 chocolate chips. For shame!

I recently found out someone I had a thing with has moved out of the city, and I feel so much better about shopping in their old neighbourhood. Can all of my other ex’s please leave Toronto? K thx.