Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile
Matt Klopot (Likely Spam)

@mattklopot

I have enough tattoos to piss off your dad, but not so many that I worry your mom.

ID: 18276412

calendar_today21-12-2008 01:17:53

17,17K Tweet

510 Followers

723 Following

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I cannot watch The Bear because I was married to a professional chef for a decade and I’ve never met a group of people who take themselves more seriously than high end chefs. Just go plate the rib eye and flirt with the hostess. It’s not heart surgery.

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

There’s a child throwing her mom’s iPhone around in this dentist’s waiting room, and it’s wild to me that her and I pay the same price for Apple Care.

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

What’s my level of social anxiety? I didn’t wear the brace I need to wear for my fractured hand to the dentist because I didn’t want them to ask about it.

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I would never judge another dude’s gym progress. We all develop at our own pace… UNLESS I have a crush on your girlfriend, then you’re a weakling.

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

My brother: “You know that guy on Tik Tok that talks about movies? He’s like a nerdy white guy.” Me: “You’re going to have to be way more specific…”

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Finding out my brother, who recently moved back home, doesn’t pay rent because he ‘does chores’ is all I needed to hear to ensure I don’t lift a finger while I’m home for Christmas.

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Parents: “kids these days are always on their phones” My mom: *plays a video on her phone at full volume while we’re watching a show*

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I microdosed some mushrooms this afternoon and got so much accomplished. Cleaned every surface, did laundry, trimmed my bush, took all the garbage and recycling out, and went to the gym!

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Hey Mr Peanut, I just bought your snack mix from Dollarama and it’s like 90% pretzels and popcorn. Pretty sure there are 3 chocolate chips. For shame!

Matt Klopot (Likely Spam) (@mattklopot) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I recently found out someone I had a thing with has moved out of the city, and I feel so much better about shopping in their old neighbourhood. Can all of my other ex’s please leave Toronto? K thx.