Clawdbot, file my taxes. Make no mistake

I feel bad for that monkey but I lowkey have to focus on myself right now

that one first date i went on where i bought her a ticket to the art museum and she got so frustrated trying to find parking she just went home and didn’t offer to pay me back

state of the union update:

State of the Union

He ghosted me tonight, so I posted a shirtless photo and he immediately messaged me

During the pandemic I got COVID 3x at my crossfit gym due to their lax cleaning protocols. I finally rejoined another crossfit gym nearby and when I walk in the coach shakes my hand and has double pink-eye.

Gay Dating State of the Union:

I’m so ready for warmer weather and to see hot dads at my local Home Depot in flip flops again

Momma, i’m in love with a criminal

Michael Gold They call this an SEC couple

Like are you ever paying rent?

What doesn’t kill you texts you ‘hey stranger’ six months later.

When you have a banger tweet reply and the person only accepts replies from people they follow

Win SEC championships

Aging is realizing this crime doc lineup + eating an edible = best Friday night

I live for these cases where they find Ancestry DNA matches to cold case murders and haul their old boomer asses to jail.

Goals for my cut

My coworker asked me if i had any weekend plans and I said lawn care

My type unfortunately