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i keep two remotes for my tv. that way, when i lose one i don’t feel like a total idiot, and when i realize i still have both i feel like the most competent, put-together person alive.

men are always worried about the wrong thing. the guy they’re convinced is a threat is usually just a friend. the one they don’t even know exists..that’s the problem. men focus on what’s right in front of them, blind to the real danger: the name they’ve never heard.

if mamdani can’t lift me im not voting for him

me adding up all the free gifts in my DMs

what’s even the point of tsa precheck now that shoes stay on for everyone i need a more luxurious tier like someone physically carrying me through security

cuffing season is almost here. you have 30 days to find someone or die.

absolutley horrible my heart goes out to all the families

i love the crackheads outside of my apartment it keeps the williamsburg liberals out

the easiest way to end a date is to say you’re anxious that luigi mangione hasn’t written back to the letter you sent him in prison

when your mom slathers half a bottle of sunscreen on you before the beach

this is how i feel but for snapchat and i think the cutoff age should be 18

“why do you sound so tired” says confused friend who has kept you on the phone for 3 hours

my opposite of a booty call is texting “you up?” at 8am on saturday to get breakfast

only hot girls have bruises on their legs with no recollection of where they came from

you’re not finding your wife on hinge you’re not zohran mamdani

you come across this girl on christian mingle, how do you open?

this is where i met all my online boyfriends that my parents had to rip away from me

yeah because i like my men a little bit retarded

ben stiller got snubbed for the oscar for heavyweights

two week social media break starts now see everyone on the 15th! ❤️