I have the type of brain chemistry where the first time I do something it's super easy and then gets progressively harder the more I do it

Gonna start commenting "hey I think we went to the same high school" whenever someone facedoxxes

Don't abandon your first principles for a headline

I feel like someone already made this joke but I don't know who so it's staying up.

Guy who doesn’t know what he’s talking about: “you did it wrong because you did it in an easier way than the retarded hard way I wanted to do it. I have brain damage but I think I’m right”

i could listen to this all day

My body is a temple (espresso ice cream for breakfast fries for lunch and onion rings for dinner)

Tomato basil mozzarella grilled cheese is calling me rn

Muting the word fed is like killing two birds with one stone

I'm thinking about chocolate chip cookies but I know I should resist

You know what I am gonna make some cookies because we're in a storm rn and there's a chance the power could go out and if it does I'm gonna be really mad that I didn't make those cookies

Demanding Elmo's resignation from Sesame Street.

I'm gonna take mine of you with me

Oh noo it would be such a shame if someone wanted to play with my hair right now 🥺🥺🥺

"My people are winning. The public displays of division are mostly kayfabe." "IT'S PRONOUNCED KEY FOB!!!!"

What I ate today: 1 slice of sourdough with butter 2 coffees (whole milk) Turkey sandwich Cup of mac and cheese Grilled cheese Handful of grapes 2 cookies Teacup of milk