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I keep saying Canadians gave me a "strong mandate", even though I only won a minority government. That's because I plan to use Elections Canada to steal a bunch of seats. When I have a majority, I can claim to have a proper mandate. It doesn't matter how I got there.

This morning, I was sworn in as Prime Minister and the head of government. This afternoon, my Chief of Staff resigned. Why are my closest allies jumping ship already? Even these Trudeau liberals can't stomach what I'm planning to do to Canada.

The rumours are true, I'm an impatient prick. You've all seen flashes of it, when reporters ask me questions I don't like. And that's exactly how I run the PMO - by turning it into a toxic work environment.

Good news for me! 😏

I just told Canadians that my Government will remain in power for the next four years. You think the opposition parties are going to topple us? Go ahead and try it. I am a slimy banker with a Napoleon complex - there's no lengths I won't go to in order to hold onto power.

Melanie Joly switched seats in the House, because she had something to tell me. Watch, as I shoo her away. People are starting to realize that I am a misogynistic prick.

I didn't give the NDP official party status today, for good reason. I don't want them to have funding, or any of the trappings of a major party. If they want that, there's one way for them to get it. Cross the floor and give me my majority Government.

I asked the King to come to Canada, so he could help me push my radical alt-left climate change agenda. You think the carbon tax is gone? Just wait.

I just told President Donald Trump that I am considering his offer to become America's 51st state. My elbows have never been lower.

Last month, I informed Canadians that I had told Trump to cut it out with the 51st state talk. Well, he's right back at it. I'm either too weak and ineffective to make those kinds of demands, or I'm lying. In either case, I'm not fit to be Prime Minister.

I was asked by a reporter if I still believe the statement I made repeatedly during the campaign: "Trump wants to break us... so he can own us". Volume up, and listen to my non-answer word salad. You thought Justin was good at rambling?! Hold my soy latte (extra soy).

I just applied the Carney Jinx.

The stabbing of an elderly woman in Pickering is troubling, but we must focus on the real victim here. The murderer. I've ordered the media to spread sympathetic stories about him, so I can justify my government's catch and release policies.

After ten years of Liberal Party rule, Canadians immigration levels are completely out of control. This is exactly what I was hoping for. My WEF handlers will be proud, and hopefully give me a promotion next time I'm in Davos.

Did you know that I secretly dropped our counter-tariffs on America?

There is only one person responsible for the vote we just lost in the house, forcing a spring budget. Mark Gerretsen 🇨🇦 🇺🇦. The former Minister of Foreheads and current Minister of Blocking Canadians dropped the ball, and let this happen. Kiss that future profolio goodbye, Mark.

This is the Canada you get after ten years of Liberal rule. And this is the Canada that I refuse to change. Good luck, peasants.

I am so happy to have the focus off me during this Trump-Musk feud!

I've just announced that the company that developed ArriveCAN, which defrauded Canadians for millions of dollars, cannot have another government contract for seven years. We're not taking the money back, though. They can keep what they stole from you. ctvnews.ca/canada/article…

Let me be clear - Muslim values are Canadian values. My party has mass imported millions of Islamic immigrants for one reason. We want to replace Christianity in Canada.