wow… will NOT be shopping at petsmart after finding out they hire groomers 🤦🏻‍♂️

addicted to the low hanging fruit

there is an antidote: vodka cranberry

accidental peter griffin cosplay at work today

bitches be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s Saw 2004

my boyfriend texts me about basketball like a medieval scribe would speak of a revolution

new ick: picture him performing the Cup Song

there is no such thing as an “amazon must-have”

nyan cat created who i am today

sorry i haven’t tweeted in a while i was busy pretending the outside world didn’t exist

gay pride obama: let me be queer

me when idgaf

getting belligerently drunk to heal my inner child

dude when are they gonna make Hamilton 2

big chunk of my life has taken place at a gas station

walking around the Louvre shouting “i’m bored!”

i have a degree in hanging out

your honor my client is clearly guilty

Biden pulled out

the next madden game should include a taylor swift cam