Due to budget constraints, there will henceforth be only one wolf inside you.

Happy Canada Day to those who observe! May you spend the day with friends & family, eating & drinking to excess, sitting about fires or soaking in cool pools, enjoying everything to the fullest That’s what Canada was made for. I think. I didn’t really pay attention in history

Happy 4th of July to all Americans, even the loser* & hater* *Donald J. Bone Spurs

I assume that gen alpha relationships will all be gender fluid polycules that require at least a master’s degree in combinatorial mathematics to understand. Honestly that’s fine. At least they’re into STEM.

You couldn't spring for one more luftballon?

Lose up to 1/2 a pound in one evening with my Illicit Kidney Theft Diet! For details, come to the Howard Johnson’s Motel on Route 6, room 17, just by the ice machine.

I wonder if models have to be tall because the fashion industry wants to hold women to impossible height standards too.

Women gush: “He makes me feel seen” “He makes me feel heard” They never appreciate that I make them feel smelled.

Happy birthday wishes are in order for my beloved, Anastasia . Do hop over to her feed to leave her appropriately good wishes for her birthday ☺️🎂

I'll be at the library on Sept 6th at 10am signing books. I'm not an author or anything I just like writing my name on books.

Jeff Bezos should shorten the WaPo slogan to just “Democracy Dies”

“Welcome back to my YouTube channel where I talk exclusively about symbiotic relationships between fungi and algae. If you’re new here, remember to lichen subscribe”

God gives His sexiest battles to His horniest soldiers

You contain multitudes* *limit three tudes per customer

Quasimodo watched, a single tear running down his cheek, as Esmeralda walked off arm in arm with his cousin who was in fairness, he thought, the the real Totalmodo.

You scratch my humpback, and I’ll scratch yours. A classic Quid-Pro-Quasimodo

Feels like no matter how much daylight we save, the darkness still persists.

We had 69. The new generation only has 67. Shrinkflation is no joke.