Call me constipated, cause I no longer give a shit.

DEFINITION OF "EX": Thanks for the EXperience. Our time has EXpired. Now EXit my life.

For guys “bros over hoes”. For girls “chicks over dicks”. For me, it’s “whoever has my back over the fake ass people, any day”

If you have no sense of humor...We can't be friends.

Never ask a black bartender for a shot.

That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.

RT this to fuck with peoples timeline . . .

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

Andy didn't have a dad in Toy Story because human characters were too expensive to animate.

School dress code is dumb af. your shoulder can't show??? What boy is going to look at a girl & be like "DAMM THATS A FINE ASS SHOULDER"

Our generation will make the most badass grandparents..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "Aww, you remembered my birthday!" "No, facebook told me.”

Me: "I'm over my crush" Crush: "hey" Me: "Nevermind"

Me: You hang up...Her: No, you hang up.. Me: click

Normal people: i love it when my boyfriend/girlfriend tells me he/she loves me. Me: i love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready

My life is a lie

Friends are like balloons. If you stab them, they die.

Can we just skip this whole “school” thing & go straight to the part where I have a really awesome job & spend all my time traveling

I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew

That awkward moment between birth and death.