"Why are you so excited for fall?" Well, I miss being able to breathe air that doesn't feel like fuckass pea soup, walking 2 feet without my body turning to volcanic goo, being in public without choking on the fumes of Mr. Chad Eau De I'm Too Much of a Bro to Wear Deodorant, etc

Being an absolute menace to sociey today (being in my 30s driving down a ritzy suburban street while blasting White Zombie's greatest hits)

me opening Teams every morning

In my villain era but it's just me using the word "no" without further explanation

Almost Friday

A weighted blanket isn't enough Bury me six feet deep

You know you're ready for the nursing home when you start telling people to play things by ear and take them with a grain of salt

I don't want to be in the loop or out of the loop. I want to be aware of the loop & its contents but free from any loop-related responsibilities

Happy Friday

Whenever I feel down, I simply remember we exist in the same timeline as Guy Fieri and I smile

Almost Friday

Almost Friday

nobody: me: this song was in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater

My body is a machine that converts cheese into the will to live

Happy Friday

These can't be the same knees I used to jump out of swings mid-air & land with

𝑾𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑺𝒄𝒐𝒐𝒃𝒚 𝑫𝒐𝒐 𝒐𝒏 𝒁𝒐𝒎𝒃𝒊𝒆 𝑰𝒔𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝑺𝒆𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒊𝒏 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒔 💫

It's ok to feel a little hamburger helpless every once in a while

Haunted house but it's just someone reading increasingly more unhinged news headlines from the past year

I hope the next thing women ruin is fascism