Thanksgiving is my favorite day to go looking for lost bags of money in the woods, because all the competition is too busy stuffing their faces. More than happy to claim all that valuable woods money for myself.

They should replace the pretzel-shaped cookies in the Danish Butter Cookie tins with real pretzels, just to mix it up and play with fire a little.

Chester Cheetah and Garfield are members of the same species, which is why both are orange and wildly outrageous.

If I were a dolphin, naturally I would spend a lot of time swimming with my bros and doing flips, etc., but obviously I would spend the majority of my time swimming with my lovely wife.

I hate when my falcon cannot hear me, arguably one of the best and loudest falconers in the business.

To be clear, I am not just pro-choice, I am pro-abortion. Abortions are a wonderfully safe and effective medical procedure that saves and improves lives. Every time a person gets an abortion that they need OR want, it is a blessing.

Watching crypto values tank and once again feeling very vindicated in my decision to spend the last few years looking for lost bags of money in the woods.

in the early 15th century, edward, 2nd duke of york, wrote a list of 1,126 names he considered to be suitable for dogs. highlights from the list: -nosewise -garlik -pretyman -gaylarde -norman -filthe

Computer, stop what you're doing this instant and show me Charles Grodin in cyberspace.

Today, after working tirelessly with an advanced imaging AI, I can now release the most accurate and realistic depiction of Space Dracula yet. He’s a real piece of shit and I hope he never comes to our planet.

I'm not a doctor, but if I was I'd tell you that it's perfectly healthy to eat a bunch of every kind of bread there is right before going to bed.

Speak for yourself, lady. I like watching mediocre movies under a bunch of reptile lights

I guess I will try occasionally writing bad jokes on another website, since this one is a toilet that's on fire.

the overwhelming majority of people with guns will never use them in a mass shooting. they just fantasize about it while kissing the guns.