I’m in an O’Reilly Auto Parts. I’m 3rd in line. I’ll be out of here in 4 hours.

Every time.

When I say that I want people who still use the "tell me without telling me" format EXECUTED I mean it.

I only have MACRO plastics in my schlong 'n balls folks!

Shelley Duvall was attractive. Send Tweet.

EVERYBODY STOP PRETENDING TO BE SO INTO HIKING RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW!

500 Day of Summer is the official beloved movie of the bitch boy

Is there anything my favorite comic, Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi can’t do? 🔥🔥

About to listen to the rest of episode 10 of Gary Vider’s phenomenal podcast #1 Dad on my way home from work. I’m hoping the twist is that the California Psychics ads are another one of his Dad’s scams.

Matthew McConaughey thinks he's really coaching right now. He's like me when I was 5, holding the 2nd inactive controller while my Dad played Atari and drank wild turkey

MEGALOPOLIS BLEW MY BALLS OFF

I hope Pete Rose had Kris Kristofferson & Dikembe Mutombo in his Death Pool so that he went out a winner on his final bet.

CLARK LEE IS A WEST END LEGEND— A NASHVILLE LEGEND!

DIEGO PAVIA IS A WEST END LEGEND— A NASHVILLE LEGEND!

VANDY WERE FUCKIN TURNT

Cam Skattebo is my favorite athlete whose name sounds like a word Billy Madison made up at the dinner table while his father entertained various executives.

All day today with Trump & Elon be like:

“Even if the Bears lose, it’s been a great season.” Nah, get that weak shit off my timeline. It’s about championships. Job’s not done.