Someone just texted me a CNN article of a celebrity passing. Couldn’t believe it. People still read CNN

Don’t yell “movie theatre!” in a crowded fire

Biden claims no has he told me he can’t win. Probably cause he can’t hear. They should text it.

CNN: “The shooter is most likely a MAGA republican”

Even a broken window is right twice a day

Just found a Werther’s wrapper on the ground. That’s like finding an arrowhead, nowadays

Treat the janitor the same way you treat the CEO. For instance, I just emailed my janitor asking if I could get a raise.

How do snake churches know how much food to make for the potluck?

You misunderstood me. When I said I had “nothing going on”, Those were my plans.

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I need the tv on while I’m working so I can watch tv instead of working

Us Christians didn’t have Batman. We had Bibleman. He fought Calvinism

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My small group leader told us about a church member who was in the ER for kidney stones and wanted us to text him scriptures. I texted a verse from John, “let anyone who is without sin cast the first stone”. Anyway, I’m no longer allowed in small group.

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I’m not loyal. Don’t confide in me if you broke the law. I’ll turn you in for a Chili’s gift card.

At the airport, I saw a pilot with a mullet. Tell me you fly for spirit airlines without telling me you fly for spirit airlines.

Getting married at 40 is not the same in your 20s. In your 20s, its a Disney movie In your 40s.. it’s a training video you watch when you get a new job.

People that eat salad with their pizza…Seriously, Who are you trying to fool?