I need a doula for a lost @fedex package

If my grandchildren ever ask where I was when Trump was shot, I will humbly say “in the group chat.”

My boyfriend doesn’t check out other women but I will catch him checking out better parking spots.

The hardest part about working for the FBI has to be not being able to unwind and watch reality TV without taking note of all the clear financial crimes.

If I’ve learned anything from crew socks and curtain bangs, it’s that young people can bully me into almost anything.

I hope they gave Joe some ice cream.

Make America a wacky bitch again

My dog cries when men are around when she’s trying to take a poop. She’s so real for that.

Tonight I told a joke about how I can tell my eggs are rotting and a woman heckled me with “yeah, years ago.”

Parallel parking should be an Olympic sport.

If I love you, I will clean your microwave.

Too much talk about golden retriever boyfriends and not enough talk about bulldog girlfriends.

Bravo loves a pause

Mark Zuckerberg erected a 7-foot Roman statue of his wife, which is the most romantic way to tell a woman you love when she’s not talking.

I put the rat in brat summer.

Whoever told men we wanted to hear their shower thoughts is a bad person.

I put the me in lobotomy.

Working at Party City should be a government job.

Judging smokers is body shaming. Girl, you and your lungs are beautiful.

Crock pots are witch culture.