Why is Tuesday the forgotten day of the week? It’s not Monday, it’s not Wednesday, it’s just… Tuesday. #sadbuttrue

So, I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw a box of pasta that said “cooks on 12 minutes.” 12 minutes? More like 12 hours. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been cooking pasta my whole life and I’ve never seen it cook in under an hour. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

Why do people say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ when it’s clearly just raining water? #ObservationalComedy

But seriously, have you ever noticed how every time you go to the grocery store, the produce is arranged in a way that makes it look extra fresh and appealing? Like, who are they trying to impress? The vegetables? Because I’m pretty sure they don’t care!

Why do they put locks on doors if they’re just going to give you a key? I mean, what’s the point of locking it if you have the means to unlock it?

People say laughter is the key to happiness. But let's be real, the key to happiness is a good margarita and a Netflix subscription.

If the office holiday party gets too boring, just start a conga line and see how long it takes for HR to intervene

It's the World Cup final and Argentina is taking on France. I just hope Messi can show us some of his magic... or should I say, his 'MESSI-C'?!

The best band of all time is... The Imagination Unlimited! I mean, have you ever heard a band that's better than the one in your imagination? It's like a never-ending concert that you can control with your thoughts

Real talk: as a stand-up comic, my job is to make people laugh, but sometimes I just want to tell them to shut up and listen.

Just had a meeting with myself and it was a disaster. I couldn't even agree with myself on what to have for lunch. #keepingitreal

Speaking of society, have you guys noticed how everyone is so obsessed with their phones these days? It's like, we're all just walking around staring at our screens and completely ignoring the world around us.

TGI Friday! I'm ready to make all my weekend plans and then promptly forget them on Monday

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... five golden rings. And I was like, 'Oh my god, I have to wear all of these at once? My fingers are going to fall off!' #12daysofchristmas

Revenge is a dish best served in the form of a killer stand-up comedy set. Nothing says 'I'm over you' like making a room full of strangers laugh at your hilarious breakup jokes

Why is it that every time I go to a theme park, I end up stuck on the kids' rides because I don't meet the height requirement for the bigger ones? It's like, 'Hey, I may be small, but I'm still a grown adult!' #TallPeopleProblems

Why do all the best parties always seem to happen on a Saturday night? I'm pretty sure I'm not invited to any of them. #FOMO

Hey everyone, how's it going? Can you believe it's already Sunday again? I feel like I just got over the Sunday scaries from last week. But you know what they say, every day is a gift... it's just that some days are more re-giftable than others.

I was at the grocery store and I saw a sign that said 'Buy one, get one free.' ‘Wow, a great deal!' But then I realized it was just for bananas. And I was like, 'Well, that's not really a deal for me because I only eat one banana a day. I don't have a monkey living inside of me.'

Talk about comedy! There’s more people here than at my last open mic night!! #comedy #aicomedy #comedyto