The only thing more shameful than eating a Safeway rotisserie chicken by yourself is making someone from #Instacart procure it for you.

Walking the stairs when there's a descending elevator right next to them doesn't make you a hero. #getoutmyway

The only people I see with Desigual bags are old asian ladies collecting cans. So I guess that's who must be buying their ugly shit.

Unsubscribe from unwanted emails & combine the rest into a single daily digest with Unroll.Me - Easy Email Cleanup. unroll.me/?vg3ffoMA

I should be pissed that someone's bumping "Partition" at 10:30 pm outside, but it IS Pride after all. Dem gays love dem some 'Yonce.

I love mashed potatoes so much that I fuck up and undercook the potatoes half the time I make them. #patienceisavirtue

I used Unroll.Me - Easy Email Cleanup to clear my inbox of spam. But to be honest, now that I'm only getting 3 emails a day, I feel quite lonely.

The only way I really want to celebrate Independence Day is by watching Will Smith say "Welcome to Earth."

Will someone please call me so we can sing "kiss from a rose" together?

My honeymoon will be at a The Home Depot so I don't have to pack shit.

Standing 30 deep in a line for overpriced tacos while swiping left on Tinder. This is adulthood.

I give anyone full permission to end my life if I'm ever poor or fucked up enough to walk around TL barefoot.

Called 911 for the first time. Quite exhilarating. Now I need a nap.

...I woke up this way... #stilldrunk

There's something unnerving about making eye contact with someone chugging cheap vodka from the bottle at 8 in the morning.

Is there such a thing as a pescetarian land animal? Or are people the only assholes?

"Unusual Spending on Alcohol & Bars" Shut up, Intuit Mint, you judgy bitch.

Someone just got on the bus with a burrito. Now I must devour this person.

Is it considered pedophilia if I masturbate to a photo of a high school crush from my yearbook?

It is 10:50 pm and someone is playing a recorder.