Ordered take out for myself and only myself and they gave me three sets of utensils

Guys, I’m going out tonight, with like friends, like actual people.

Can we all collectively agree to ban big ass bows on babies?

Picking my 3yo up from school and he has to say goodbye and hug everyone before leaving and I just want to die from the cuteness overload

Me: What would you like for dinner? 3yo: 1,000 cookies, 1,000s of Doritos and $3,000

I’m kinda surprised there’s not a place you can just go to to eat cheese, like only serves cheese but has every cheese there is and maybe some crackers.

“I bet a lot of people think you’re normal when they first meet you.” -my nail tech

Tried pre workout for the first and last time the other day. Like, I’ve done an 8 ball in an hour before so I mean it when I say I can’t handle pre workout.

Texted my therapist that I had to reschedule and this was her response.

I wish I could have one week where I could pick out my favorite school lunches from back in the day and have the same lunch lady’s make it for dinner

Now requesting that all bikers around the lake must post their schedules

3yo: so I was in your tummy? Me: yes 3yo: food goes in your tummy Me: yes 3yo: but I’m not food, why did you eat me?

I wonder if I could still type fast on T9 like is it like riding a bike?

My 3 1/2 year old is at a stage where he needs to fully undress to poop and his reasoning is “I don’t want the poop smell on my clothes” and like I get it but man is it an inconvenience for me

In the last week I have pulled/hurt 5 different body parts by literally existing so I think I’m officially in my 30s

Watching Monsters Inc. for the 40th time and just now realizing Sully’s chair has a hole for his tail

I really appreciate girls that do book reviews on social media, I will never read any of them but I appreciate the thought behind it