billionares are so weird. what are you saving up for? hell?

Okay twitter blue has been such a success I need to do a thread. Feel free to add to the 🧵on the great launch of this product

Hello. Young kids back in school are so sick right now. Everyone with a preschooler has an entire household of sleepless viral cough snot fevers for the past two months without a fucking break. So if you know a parent going through this, be kind and gently hit them with your car.

What a dumb, sad bummer.

we'll always have jokes like these (until we don't)

The latest write-thru of the NYT dad hero Club Q story is even more of a gut-punch than it was four hours ago. nytimes.com/2022/11/21/us/…

Letter of recommendation: drinking one martini and singing Baby Shark a cappella with your children

Oh no I am the grandma let's get you to bed meme

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched your sunday afternoon creeping sense of dread for the week ahead

I don’t understand how COVID is spiking again after we’ve tried everything from pretending it’s over to pretending it never happened

I will admit that everything got much stupider and more bad way faster than I ever imagined buzzfeednews.com/article/katien…

Just watched a man at a bar in Penn Station order two martinis, pay for them, promptly pour them into an empty Evian bottle, and then walk out all while Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” played on the jukebox. Happy holidays!

San Francisco just recorded the third-wettest 15-day period since the Gold Rush in 1849. dlvr.it/SggQqQ

kieran culkin telling brian cox “dance bitch” to call me maybe

when client asks for rationale

She’s everything. He’s just Ken.