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I see the Duchess of Sutherland is up to her old tricks

This morning I was invited to audition for the part of The Doctor's companion in the next series of Doctor Who. I was a bit concerned when I opened the script to read my first line as I stumble into the Tardis door - "Hello, is there anyone there...?"

What is Pierre Balmain doing behind closed doors of his Paris Salon?

Did you know I was once runner up in the Sydenham Palais all-comers free-style paso-doble. I got a jar of boiled sweets for that. Course that was in 1962. I've eaten most of them now.

I've just consulted my horoscope in the local paper and apparently I should avoid asparagus and rogue elephants. But on the other hand it's a good day for buttering toast and swimming the Atlantic. But not at the same time, I imagine.

Apparently my lucky colour is washday red, and my lucky stone is gall. And to think some people scoff at astrology.

I am not a sceptic. There are many things we cannot explain. For example, what is extra-sensory perception? How does telepathy work? What was I doing last night on Clapham Common with a pair of binoculars and a stirrup pump?

Now, here is the answer to last week's mystery object quiz. The correct answer was either an army surplus blanket or a banjo. For those of you who thought it was Dusty Springfield, all I can say is you obviously weren't paying attention

I hear Mary Quant has done something incredible in oilskin. Personally I think that's her own affair. It's not our place to meddle.

The Inner Sanctum...um....um...um...um

Later on in "Trends" - 101 things to do with a Surging Truss

Someone from her office phoned and asked if I would lend her my support, but I had to decline. I hadn't finished using it.

This weekend we are glad to see the return of Subterranean Toad Grappling at Sadlers Wells, and a demonstration of Knothole Freezing given by the Mountford Holmes Formation Liver Sausage Chorale at the Hatfield College of Applied Technology and Curate Bleaching

But the event I'm most looking forward to is the Over-Eighties Nudist Leapfrog Team's Annual Old Tyme Dance. And I for one can't wait to see them 'bobbing up and down like this'.

Good evening. Among the with it happenings this weekend there's Massed Goat Pandering at the Royal Nobblers Institute and Knock a Rabbi Out of Bed at Battersea Funfair in aid of the Stuffed Mouse for Thailand Fund.

... and how true those words are even today 2/2

This week on "Trends" we will be looking at personal protection. We've managed to track down two of Mr Musk's former bodyguards at an estalishment in Chelsea. Hello, Julian and Sandy is there anyone there?

It may surprise some of you to know that it has been so mild today that I've had my back doors open