A Good Old Singing Competition on Saturday night TV. Pitch Battle. Just when you thought BBC had run out of ideas. FFS

Father’s day in Essex - where cards are sold in packs of five

My sincere best wishes to Ant antanddec I know just how hard it can be. Be proud - you’re a very brave & honest man. Good luck x

Mrs left me because of my Beatles obsession. Yesterday

Gonna have a Brexit themed Sunday lunch this weekend - No Brussels

Mrs wanted to try sadism in the bedroom. I said no but she twisted my arm

Someone (Ellie) doesn’t want to be ridden & even the doggies (Harry & Poppy) are knackered!!

Bought a pair of Nike's off a drug dealer - Been tripping all day

Mates in hospital - Got hoover stuck up his arse -Doctor says he’s picking up nicely

Dad, who’s a road worker, has been stealing from his job. Didn’t believe him but when I got home all the signs were there (sorry)

Brekkie thanks to our neighbour Danny. Goose eggs are bloody huge!!

Nicola Sturgeon…….Alex Salmond - I think there’s something fishy going on there

Glastonbury crowds. Looks like one big audition for the ‘Walking Dead’

If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue

Taking up scuba diving - I’m using a Walkers crisp bag - which has enough air in it to last for three hours

I LOVE this man XX Bernie Clifton Righto!!

Gentlemen: Examine your prostate by wiping your bottom with Tesco value toilet paper

If you say the word ‘gullible’ very, very slowly - It sounds like orange

Apologies for not tweeting. Back as soon as Xxx promise

Still not right. I will be back - But not for a bit yet. I’m so sorry