Should I do a sports bet on the Yankees so when they lose I get double sad?

Me at the vet: How does my dog look? The vet: Very dog. That’ll be $1,000.

Election Day is here

Cannot believe I have not been able to vote in a presidential race where Trump was not a candidate since I was 23!!! Bitch I am 35.

Thanks again, men.

Feels like a good time to say that I think Joe Rogan is kind of a bitch.

This is basically every Trump cabinet pick so far

Hey dad- I don’t really need your help, I just called to say I’m going to win $100k.

I'd like to think Marisa Tomei aged so well because she's a fellow paisan but we all know it's because she didn't have any brats.

Luigi??? Mangione??!!?? Big day for Italian Americans.

In MUCH more important news than anything else going on today:

Gaga eating. Beyoncé touring. Republicans crashing the economy. WELCOME BACK 2009!

Winter sucks. It's cold and gloomy and I have to pay my taxes 👎

i see my future and it’s bright

I can't believe the world is burning and I don't even have BTS to distract me this time. PLEASE FREE MY BOYS.

If America dies this year I am happy to relocate and pledge my loyalty to any country that has normalized bidets.

Imagine having a leader this well spoken and also hot.

As an actual English teacher, I just want to throw out that I would never in a million years marry a gym teacher. (And I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I am very annoying.)