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How to medical

Pat's comedy special is SO funny! I laugh out loud a lot!

Nobody wants to go to your barn wedding.

Have I mentioned my first stand-up special is out??? Thanks to the Northwest Indiana Times nwi.com for the chance to talk about "What A Time To Be Alive." If you've not seen it I've linked to it in my bio. nwitimes.com/entertainment/…

I poured this coffee into my Yeti 4.5 hours ago and it's still hot. How have we not sent humans to Mars yet?

This might be the funniest shot glass I've ever seen.

Texas governor singled out Chicago claiming it’s proof gun laws don’t work. However, more than half of the guns recovered at Chicago crime scenes came from states with looser gun laws. wgntv.com/news/texas-sch…

We ban books that were written in the past 50 years, but God forbid we propose changes to a document that was created 235 years ago.

“everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it” - my husband 😂

For the record, Highland Park is not Chicago. It’s an affluent suburb 30 miles north. Google it. #highlandparkshooting

Anyone with information or video evidence is asked to contact police. Investigators short on info as #HighlandPark gunman remains at large.

Chaos unfolded when a gunman opened fire at a Highland Park Fourth of July parade. The shooting left 6 dead and 24 injured. Police continue to search for the suspect who is considered armed and dangerous. READ THE LATEST: bit.ly/3a9JGuU

Joel's house in "Risky Business," Gary's house in "Weird Science," Cameron's house in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," Jake's house in "Sixteen Candles"...all in Highland Park. It's a place of movie magic and one of the 100 wealthiest cities in America. No place is safe. No place.

The family of Nicolas Toledo tells me he was one of the people shot and killed at the Highland Park 4th of July Parade. “We are all feeling pretty numb. We’re all pretty broken inside,” his granddaughter said. She shared these photos with CBS Chicago

#BREAKING: Man wanted in Highland Park parade shooting taken into custody: wgntv.com/news/highland-…

Factbox: Mass shootings in the U.S. from Highland Park to Fort Hood reut.rs/3Ic5Qco

I was today years old when I learned that the kids these days call 1 on 1 (as in basketball) 1v1. When did that happen, and how young is the cut off age?

Thanks Elon, now I have to actually parent my kids instead of milking them for Twitter content