Checking my flight attendant friends location to see if she’s in town is one of my favorite pastimes. She’s typically anywhere but Ohio *Miami* *NOLA* *Pittsburgh* *Boston*

I have an irrational fear that my brain is just going to randomly forget where the letters are on the keyboard are/how to type.

My work emails expire after 90 DAYS!!! Who thought that was a good idea? I spend a ridiculous amount of time transferring them to OneNote so they don’t disappear. Shit shuts down every 50 emails.

I truly have the kindest and most supportive friends in the world. They sure know how to make a bitch feel loved. 🖤🥺

I just asked a worker at Panera where the restrooms are and I am 99% sure he is rolling his face off.

I need to protect my cook at all costs. He knows I don’t eat meat and asks me every single day if he can make something special for me. Today he said “you know if you ever need anything you let me know. I’m always here for you.” I might cry.

Little kid in my neighborhood pet Otis and said “it’s like he’s a really soft pillow but he’s a dog” 🥺

Lowkey driving around on backroads jamming with the windows down is one of the things I miss most about home

When my new job told me I would likely gain the “freshman 15” I took it as a joke. Day 4 and I’ve been out to lunch every day with apps & an entree. Today my boss ordered one of every dumpling. THAT IS 88 DUMPLINGS! 🤯

Amanda - you don’t need to pay for parking Me - just give me a second. Have you never used the parking app? Amanda - yes, I just don’t pay. But I also have 3 parking tickets so you might not want to listen to me 😶🤦🏻‍♀️

My new neighbor has 3 Rottweilers. One of their names is Capone... ya know like the American gangster. Should I be concerned?

Wtf kind of bathing suit do I wear to my work event? 😰

halfway through eating eggs do you ever just get disgusted

To those who say we cannot afford to act on climate, I ask you sincerely: what is the alternative?

Yo I’ll do a lot of things for the environment but natural deodorant ain’t one

Sold this chair I found in someone’s trash for $50. So ya I’d say I’m an entrepreneur.

There’s always gotta be one dog to ruin the vibes at the dog park.

Selling shit in FB marketplace is great but also super sketchy. Some advice - if they’re even slightly sus, meet in a police department parking lot. Weeds out the creeps real quick.

Hey Kroger I see you out here with less plastic wrapped veggies and more vegan/vegetarian products. I appreciate you 🤍

Unvaccinated people… if someone in your family asked you to take an at home covid test (that they provide for you) in order to get together on thanksgiving… would you do it?