Our cat Shinobi has asthma so if we hear him wheezing we have to say “okay buddy time to hit your bong”

You miss one hundred percent of the shits you don’t take

I've been going to the same barber for about four years, but we have hardly ever talked. For example, only last week did I learn what country he is from. He's one of the best guys I know.

Shout out to all the comedians with 10+ years in the game that still don't have a good tape.

Heard a lot about Chicago food, and now I get it, and by it I mean diarrhea

Episode 1 with Trey Galyon is out now and we go deep on Pink Floyd and their 1971 album 'Meddle'

when the show at union hall is run by comedians over 30

While some people need to spend their Saturday morning sleeping off a hangover, I’d rather be up early reading one of the classics

Safe sex is overrated. How do you think I got fired from my job at Bank of America?

Is it cake? I don't know and I don't care, I've got my own problems

No Kings Day doesn't apply to Bernie Mac

Trying to stay optimistic in spite of all the rejections I have been getting for my screenplay “The Slut who Saved Christmas”

“This bar sucks” me out loud to no one, alone at home

Going up to the projectionist at AMC and asking them to turn on the captions

Lord forgive me for what I am about to do to the bathroom at this Goodwill

I want to post about getting engaged, but need to figure out how to do in a way to advance my career

Hey folks! Drop Up Video is back tonight at Pine Box Rock Shop at 9! Featuring dan the rock yang Lizzie Martinez Bob Gurnett - bobgurnett.com on bsky justin thompson Max Higgins, Annie Lockwood & Kevin O'Brien!

He died as he lived, inciting violence

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land in New Jersey

If you're ever feeling lonely, just fill out some forms for moving companies saying you want a quote and you'll never be left alone again.