During Christmas I bake to decompress. So if anyone knows of a small country with sweet tooth, I can introduce them to obesity.

I cleaned out my linen closets and chests this week, and I’m one quilt shy of being an Amish community.

Christmas holidays is a time for finally changing the battery in a smoke detector that probably expired 11 years ago because I found an 9V battery I bought five years ago.

In the spirit of the season, I like to use my powers of persuasion to convince people that not doing things my way will cancel Christmas for orphans and cause their tree to spontaneously ignite.

Trending topics is a concise list of all the things I don’t want to know more about today.

I saw another ad for “one thing you should eat every day to extend your life” and made an appointment with my lawyer to update my will.

Today I received no Christmas cards or packages. I’m almost as sad as that time grandma got run over by a reindeer.

I sometimes wonder if this site’s “What is happening?!” prompt is a question or a plaintive cry for help.

The best part of retiring is never having to turn off the Zoom video because I’m wearing the same shirt for the third day in a row.

If I worked at the North Pole, I think I’d prefer a low-effort role — like cleaning the pool or reading Santa’s thank-you notes.

The For You tab mostly reads like I made Santa’s naughty list and he put coal in my timeline. *clicks to Following *

Buy man a fish, and he’ll eat. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Buy a man a boat, and you’ll get the weekend to yourself.

I’ve discovered the audio of me watching football could be mistaken for a sex tape: YES! YES! GO! WHOA! WHOA! FASTER! NO! GET DOWN! SLIDE! SLIDE! SCORE!! NO TIMEOUTS LEFT! END IT NOW BOYS!

When I ask “Why can people be such asses?” I don’t expect a psychosocial thesis; I expect a nod. This is how a beautiful friendship begins.

Bragging about winning at Solitaire is my way of saying I’m smarter than an inert deck of cards. Stay tuned for next week when I take on marbles.

Had to cancel plans to go to white elephant party at the last minute because I couldn’t get it to be still long enough to wrap it.

I’m packing to move after 22 years in the same house. In one hand I have the number for a mover. In the other — a match. So I’m asking myself: “Am I too pretty for prison?"

X: <random intermittent posts about doing things in unison, ending with a bang> If only Lotus Eater could see you now.

Today can be summed up in two words: Send chocolate!

So I don’t think I’ve shared that I got me a grandgirl this past year. I think she looks just like me.