juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile
juicymorsel

@juicymorsel

I’d leave more things unsaid, but I’m a woman.

ID: 107650489

linkhttp://favstar.fm/users/juicymorsel calendar_today23-01-2010 07:38:53

38,38K Tweet

5,5K Takipçi

472 Takip Edilen

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

During Christmas I bake to decompress. So if anyone knows of a small country with sweet tooth, I can introduce them to obesity.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Christmas holidays is a time for finally changing the battery in a smoke detector that probably expired 11 years ago because I found an 9V battery I bought five years ago.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

In the spirit of the season, I like to use my powers of persuasion to convince people that not doing things my way will cancel Christmas for orphans and cause their tree to spontaneously ignite.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I saw another ad for “one thing you should eat every day to extend your life” and made an appointment with my lawyer to update my will.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

The best part of retiring is never having to turn off the Zoom video because I’m wearing the same shirt for the third day in a row.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

If I worked at the North Pole, I think I’d prefer a low-effort role — like cleaning the pool or reading Santa’s thank-you notes.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Buy man a fish, and he’ll eat. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Buy a man a boat, and you’ll get the weekend to yourself.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I’ve discovered the audio of me watching football could be mistaken for a sex tape: YES! YES! GO! WHOA! WHOA! FASTER! NO! GET DOWN! SLIDE! SLIDE! SCORE!! NO TIMEOUTS LEFT! END IT NOW BOYS!

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

When I ask “Why can people be such asses?” I don’t expect a psychosocial thesis; I expect a nod. This is how a beautiful friendship begins.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Bragging about winning at Solitaire is my way of saying I’m smarter than an inert deck of cards. Stay tuned for next week when I take on marbles.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Had to cancel plans to go to white elephant party at the last minute because I couldn’t get it to be still long enough to wrap it.

juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I’m packing to move after 22 years in the same house. In one hand I have the number for a mover. In the other — a match. So I’m asking myself: “Am I too pretty for prison?"