If someone walks in with Snapchat goggles I’m holding them and Evan Spiegel in contempt. x.com/eweise/status/…

Tomorrow I’ve asked Uber’s counsel to UberEats the animals in the overflow room some pressed juice and burritos. You’re welcome! 🌯 🥤 x.com/alisongriswold…

Please don’t miss quote me, I said “unconscious lawyers.” x.com/alisongriswold…

Was this sent by an adult about work, or is this from a teenager about the chess club?

Pick me up that iced coffee with the mint leaves in it — I can Venmo you the $6. x.com/cfarivar/statu…

Fair warning: If Ali Griswold or any of you other tweetor journalists makes a “lasers” joke I’m clearing the courtroom.

To the press pool, if you animals ask Larry or Sergey for a selfie you are being removed from the building and I’m calling your parents and telling them to stop paying for your loft. Time to grow up, you’re 29. I was putting people in federal for 30 years at your age.

Gotta be honest, I kinda liked the travis kalanick kid today. Get some sleep attorneys, ‘cause I’m going to decimate the first one of you morons to forget to turn off your ringer tomorrow.

Early is on time, on time is late junior. x.com/cfarivar/statu…

Court officer, please bring this one before the court first thing tomorrow to explain why she’s blocking me. Also, what does it mean to block someone on the tweetor?

Are these “journalist” going to court or waiting for pilates class to start? Do any of you own actual business clothes yet? Would it kill you to wear a pair of blazer and grown up shoes?

Do me a favor Cyrus and save your brilliant observations for the next time you visit the barber. You look like a mess. I wouldn’t even let you 3 hole punch documents for my lowest clerk. Seriously, tighten it up kid. People judge books by their cover (and the dusk on them). x.com/cfarivar/statu…

So you’re a tech lawyer and can’t figure out how to mirror a PowerPoint presentation? Really?! Go to the Apple store, buy a Mac, four dongles & discover this crazy new app called “Keynote.” Also, If I see another person try to hook up an Thinkpad I’m going to adjourn.

Zip it before I bring jack before this court to explain why I’m seeing people I never followed in my timeline. Seriously, someone needs to do some discovery on who actually runs product (into the ground) at Twitter. x.com/lessachu/statu…

Honestly, I’ve seen multiple episodes of Friends that were filled with more drama than this travis kalanick testimony.

These millennial cub reporters are really obsessing over having to show up for work at a reasonable hour. Now I know why the tech press has never, and will never, win a Pulitzer. In my day, reporters and detectives worked the same hours: 6am til the bar closed. x.com/cfarivar/statu…

This travis kalanick kid made Waymo counsel look like a blind, toothless cobra fighting a mongoose with a 9th degree black belt in Kung fu. My understanding is Travis has gotten into an argument with everyone in Silicon Valley at least twice, and Waymo made him look like a monk?!

Do I have this correct, unemployed billionaires play video games until they decide to start a company?

Listen, Bill Gurley might have been the most boring witness in the history of business trials, but he was also the tallest. Hoping he is interested in playing on my team in the LA V. SF judges, 3 on 3 tournament.

Thank God this circus is over. Please move these tech reporters to at least 100 yards from the building. Hoping our next major case is something more uplifting and interesting, like a serial killer or the McDonald’s hot coffee case.