Which ones yours

Someone was surprised at how nice and clean my apt was yesterday lol like yeah I’m 40 years old I don’t live in a punk house or something

Ok

Should I cancel my housewarming party 30 mins before it’s supposed to start?

I can only ever get one errand done then it’s time for bed

No enes at singers when I am

I live in constant fear of teenagers

I used to do this to my brother *bonk*

Picking my lower lip up off the floor

Sorry it took me 5 hours to respond to your texts I was staring at my phone

Are these jobs hiring in the room with us right now?

I have an idea for a drag act I would go by Dora the explorer and I’d screen footage at gay bars of me walking around New York City talking about its rich history and landmarks

People don’t have names like Soupy Sales or Red Buttons anymore

I want my tombstone to say “died from manifesting”

Every piece of clothing I’m wearing is oversized today because they’re all pieces I was too lazy to return in the mail so u know…making it work

Whenever I played with my action figures as a kid I'd make them be in relationships and have sex etc. Anyone else?

Watching National Geographic show with my coffee before starting my day is my version of going to the gym before work

I don’t count sheep or whatever I just keep repeating “why me?” till I fall asleep

Your throne, king

Saw someone who looked like and kinda dressed like me but had two kids 🤔