Chad saves the ocean Barstool News Network (Via @chadgoesdeep

I can see a KFC from my hotel room in Amman #Murica

For more exemplary journalism, visit theonion.com.

13.5 hours on a pressurized metal tube high in the sky #FirstWorldProbs #BackStateside

Pumped to see @bradleyumbb Walt Lemon Jr start tonight at MSG!

Slam my head into a refrigerator door #AmericanDream

A viable 3rd option #SimpForSpilkyDanner2020

Everyone vote! #SleepyJoe #UniversalNapTime #TeamAmerica #democracy

Best outcome is both the Bears and Packers win tomorrow FYI I like cheese for once

Rack up a W, without even being on the main stage. To celebrate #HCSAnaheim2022, we’re giving away a #HaloInfinite Xbox Series X! Follow Halo Esports & RT this post for a chance to win. Winner will be drawn after the Grand Finals on Sunday! Watch Live 👇 📺 Twitch.tv/Halo

Golf and portillos make me happy to be an American 🇺🇸🇺🇸

I am now verified. Finally I can get some respect on this godforsaken app.

“Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.” -MLK “Our verification ability has outrun our ability to actually verify. We have verified tweets from unverified people.” -Twitter today

It’s all a simulation (I tell myself whenever something annoys me at work or in life).

This Thanksgiving I want everyone to reflect on what a blessing it is to live in a country where we can build a super powerful app like twitter, where everyone can buy respect for $8. Thank you Elon.

When everyone is counting down “10…9…8….7” I am going to yell at the top of my lungs “STOP THE COUNT!”

Some solid goals set for 2018, looking forward to what the New Year has to bring. Never will be a new person but i will always have room to improve and make myself a better person. Have a safe night everyone!

What an honour to be fake considered along with Stephen Colbert Samantha Bee for the fakest media awards. #TheFakies x.com/thedailyshow/s…