If you're not at a show or concert, there's no reason for you to clap your hands. If you are at home, you should never clap your hands. If you have neighbors, you should never clap your hands. Am I right, people? Stop clapping your hands, No more clapping your hands

i'm excited to see what tomorrow holds for me. yep, i'm that naive.

Stared at this for 2 minutes post-pumping, but still left ignorant of its meaning

When I hear someone talking about my interests in public

The bowling ball actually hangs out with the pins after work. There isn't beef there

put all your money in candlesticks. coming back in a big way. trust.

correction: *i'm currently manic

when you text your old AI gf just to tell her how hot your new AI girlfriend is

*loading screen* some enemies can also go by they/them

When they start putting up the chairs at a restaurant it doesn’t mean you have to leave. It’s just chair time

also accept the things you could change but don't have the mental energy to

i want the place that puts too much cheese on my hoagie to talk to the other place that doesn't put enough cheese on my hoagie maybe they can work something out

Hello, Governor Shapiro? Yes, it's Peter from MileSplit. I need a list of your best performing boys. 15 or so will do.

Don't worry, gang. The generals were silent. Democracy is saved.

Forget the Epstein files. Kash Patel is in khakis and a navy FBI quarter zip talking bout Scary Terry's gambling.

Woman With Big Water Bottle Achieves Constant State of Pissing: ow.ly/qpOl50Xl5zw