The other night in Albuquerque

Why did America destroy its own cities? A thread... 🧵

You could be having a bad day, but remember you didn’t give a blind comic the finger guns last night when it was their turn on the list like I did. So you got the whole world ahead of you #youredoinggreat

Last night at the comedy show/ finger guns

i think this would fix me

This is supposed to be an attack ad... 🤣

[guy who wears a bag of clean piss to work every day in case of a random drug test leaving his house]: okay…phone, wallet, keys, piss bag

Same Dude 9/6 Vultures COS 9/13 the 715 club Denver

You know what the best part about being in the lower tier, regional/ f- list celebrity, world is? We’ve never been considered cool enough or made enough money or status over the years to go to a p-diddy party and for that I’m grateful.

We're less than an hour into this UFO hearing and I've already heard some significant claims. Tim Gallaudet said we have satellite VIDEO of UFOs. Michael Shellenberger said we have full motion video, FLIR, and Infrared. We have Low Earth Orbit (LEO) satellites recording, and

Hell is a never ending bowling game with Joan Jett’s I love rock and roll playing on repeat

80,000 people told to evacuate. Blazes 0% contained. Eight months since the area has seen rain. The scale of damage and loss is unimaginable. Climate change is real, not “a hoax.” Donald Trump must treat this like the existential crisis it is.

Some people say I give off strong dad vibes.. Just because I have a remarkable finesse for organizing borderline alcoholic and drug addicted comedians and musicians does not mean I’m dad material, I still constantly forget to pay for and feed them

I’m doing Dry January because I fell asleep drunk with a frozen pizza in the oven. I’m almost 36 yrs old. You know how much I love pizza, I was so mad at myself that I had to wait another 30 minutes to make another, it was a wake up call. (Literally my smoke alarm woke me up)

I attended Trump’s inauguration yesterday. Here are my thoughts:

Vultures open mic on Mondays!

JFK files getting released soon, grandson says the truth is more tragic than you think. I’m betting it’s the workplace accident theory.

Tonight! The comedy gang is taking over the The Black Sheep be early! Limited seating! Tix moving fast!

Someone bought scalper tickets to my comedy show last night, I feel bad but that’s kind of a sign of success right?

Everyone talking WW3 this, ww3 that, brother don’t forget we spent 20 plus years on ww3 already, the global(world) war on terror and that’s why your rent, gas, and food expensive af rn. This is WW4 ok, show some respect.