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I am laughing so hard my lungs hurt

I’m trying to achieve “Jenny from the block energy”

I got beaned while playing high school baseball and rushed the mound just to hug the kid. Nobody knew what to do

This meeting kinda looks like a boar.

I caught my niece starting to say “Amanda Heard” 3 times in the bathroom mirror It was a close call one

Please place seat backs and tray tables in their full upright position and prepare for the beating of your life

Hey Pericles 'Perry' Abbasi legal I need some advice about suing a couple prostitutes

Had a lovely young lady over and everything was going pretty well until I calmly told her "Get out of here! I gotta make stool! I dont like nobody in my apartment while I'm pushing one out! Wait in the hallway!", and she acted like a fucking weirdo about it

Johnny Depp should’ve said “blacking out” is a subjective term

My wife has no idea she merely found the porn stash I intended her to find

Hey Pericles 'Perry' Abbasi if the judge asks me if I’m currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Can I respond “I don’t recall”

Wait she pooped the bed? I finally understand John Warnock Hinckley Jr.

Why don’t nobody talk about “Howard the Duck” no mo

Stop poop shaming people

I use to fish with a guy who pooped like that One huge coil

“Sir turn that pornography off and go take a poop this is a public library” “Sir”

I told my wife we should name our first born after her grandpa “Lamisil”

Hey Pericles 'Perry' Abbasi my aunt painted a picture of me looking all like Mark Zuckerberg Can I sue her